Boobs, Swedish Gyms, and Lena Dunham’s Girls
Growing up, I thought my boobs were weird. They don’t look like the boobs that appeared on movies, the only reference I had to other boobs. Even though this is considered to be a vulgar and taboo topic, I think it is important to be addressed as it is inevitably something every woman will have to struggle with at some point in their life.
No Hollywood movies I watched showed boobs that are like mine. I also hated my bum because it was noticeably bigger than most bums. I heard my peers making remarks upon it, commenting how unusually large it is, and naturally I felt uncomfortable and ashamed of it.
I told my mom about my bum issue when I was in middle school, she said “you’ll be happy when you’re married.” I asked, “but why? Why when I’m married? I just don’t get it.” My mom would not answer my question, because these are things not discussed in our culture. Growing up with a Muslim belief and a culture where sex and sexuality is a taboo subject, and subsequently without a sexual education neither at home nor at school, made me unaware of being married means when one have sex.
I grew up with the notion that women should not mind that some guys would be catcalling us or staring at us. Instead, we should be more concerned whether we are enticing them instead. Since puberty, my boobs and my ass have been the subject of stares, which then made me feel ashamed because I’ve been taught that I am the one who was enticing them. I felt guilty. I felt dirty. Therefore, I wanted to be asexual. I wanted to hide my body.
Later, I had a growing mental dissonance between wanting to be asexual and wanting to be attractive to my (then-future) husband. One of my worries was that I was not attractive enough for my future husband because my boobs were weird. I knew that the inner beauty and brains is important, but I also knew that sex is important in a relationship, at least according to Hollywood Rom-Coms and Chic Lit, the only resource of my sex ed. However, I was still afraid that I might be interesting enough personality-wise but then they would all run away after it came down to having sex.
I think it affected me more than I realized. I had commitment/intimacy issues which was probably why I never had a serious relationship until I was 26-year-old. Until my current husband, I had been single for almost 10 years. I think it was because I thought all of it was a waste because when they then marry me, they’ll see my boobs are weird. I didn’t think I deserve any love. Be as ridiculous as it sounds, those recurring, overthinking and spreading thoughts in my teenage years with no one to talk to because it was embarrassing and taboo made a permanent mark in my mind.
I hated my body. I hated myself because not only I was ugly, I was also a clumsy trouble-maker. It also didn’t help to have a criticizing, mocking never complimenting Asian families. One of the features I like about myself now was the object of mockery when I was younger.
Fast forward to studying for my Master’s in Sweden, I found out that people are naked in the gym changing room, shower and sauna. The first time I went there I was overwhelmed with the amount of boobs my vision was attacked with. As I am short, if I look straight, some of those tall Swedish women’s boobs are right on my line of vision. Then I try to look down, then I look at their Vs. It was so confusing because I didn’t know where to look. Being there a couple of times made me more used to it and then I tried to nonchalantly glance at their boobs. Finally, I saw boobs that looks like mine! I was so happy. I was almost hugging her, but that would be inappropriate and hard to explain. Glancing around, I saw various kinds of boobs, different from the movie boobs! I am finally feeling like my boobs are a part of boobs community. Before, I felt like my boobs were outsiders.
One of the most extraordinary things I’ve learned about swedish culture is that they don’t necessarily connect nudity with sexuality. Among other things, it made me realize that how people dress doesn’t have to do anything with their sexuality. I grew up with the notion if a woman has “immodest” clothes, it means she is “asking for it”. It is so sad when women have relatively revealing clothes, other women think she is a “slut”. Additionally, for women with more prominent sexual characteristics, such as a larger bust or bum, there is almost no way the shape or size of those could be covered in clothes (except maybe in a sack) that still doesn’t draw the eyes — and almost inevitable and maybe involuntarily will be seen as “slutty”. Just because I have bigger boobs doesn’t mean I am walking around wanting to have sex! I can’t do anything about my breast size, and just because I wear a skirt in the summer doesn’t mean I am asking to have my thigh grazed by roving hands.
Nudity, whether it’s frontal or partial, does not equal with sexual consent. There are much more of human body than sex. It has much more related to ones identity.
I felt closer to accepting myself, which is one big journey that I am still currently on. I have accepted that I am beautiful in my own way. I don’t get disgusted seeing myself in the mirror, most of the times.
I thought, I wish more girls like me could see this. I had no reference of how boobs should like. I was not supposed to look at my friends or my families boobs. I could not even google boobs and nipples because I felt guilty googling those. Even trying to touch our newly developed womanhood gadgets made me feel guilty and scared. Now I figured out why those areolas in TVs are pink, it’s because they are caucasian women.
I am sure most Indonesian girls doesn’t know what their own V looks like. I have only known my V when I read Sex for Dummies (good book by the way! ) and they told us to get to know our body. When I recommended some of my friends to wear tampons because it’s better they got freak out of having to meddle with their own V.
Finding out about our body and sexuality is greatly intertwined with our self-worth and it is one of a complex journeys of the life of women. I hope that more girls realize that they are beautiful. It was a long way to realize for me to accept my body, myself and to be open to intimacy through it. From then I try to figure out what I am comfortable with when it comes to intimacy and demand for it, and not settling for men who cannot respect the boundaries that I am comfortable with. I do not have to stretch my boundaries so that anyone could love me. I am beautiful, this is what I am comfortable with, take it or leave it.
I watched a TV series called Girls that was created by Lena Dunham. I think it was one of the most important TV series for girls figuring out who they are. What I like about it is that everyone is not likeable, because that’s the truth. Everyone has an ugly crazy unlikeable side, unlike most TV series where women are either pure pleasant or pure evil. It added complexities to women. Lena Dunham was not the prettiest actress in the series, yet she showed the most nudity. And I think, for a girl who referenced her relatability with movies and series, it is very refreshing. She has uncommon movie boobs. She is also chubby. I felt represented. I think there should be more of common women in these movies and series because most women in movies and TV series are always impossibly beautiful, not to mention heavily photoshopped magazines.
Lena Dunham didn’t have movie boobs yet Adam Driver (he played Kylo Ren in the new Star Wars movies) were crazy for her. I am overweight with non movie boobs but my gorgeous husband loves me.
Even though generally people wants bigger boobs but there are perks to each boobs. There are always people who wants other kind of boobs. People with smaller boobs wants bigger boobs to look nicer in dresses and stuffs. That could be arranged with push-up bras and paddings. Also, I read an article that actually smaller boobs mostly have more sensitive nipples. Bigger boobs people have trouble finding bras and sport bras and back problem. How I often wish to have smaller boobs for convenience and cute bras.
The older I get the more realize, everyone loves boobs. No matter the size, shape and color, we love them all, according to many men I’ve talked to and also some women. The only thing you need to worry if there is an unusual lump when you feel it, then you should go to a doctor. If you have an inverted nipples, it will be challenging to breast-feed your child, talk to a doctor. Other than that, your boobs are fine. Your boobs are dope. You are dope.
My advice for girls: read Sex for Dummies. If you are a woman who is reading this, check out your boobs and ass, and tell them they are awesome. Because it is true and who else will love your girls if it’s not you?
